On-Demand, Low-Data-Rate Internet Access

How can we solve this problem? How does one go about building infrastructure to solve this problem?

A co-worker reported the other day that (in the house he is renting) he had to mess with the kitchen sink plumbing and found a plastic straw, a plastic knife and a stainless steel knife - sharp, not cutlery.

So, if you're a landlord and want to be alerted to such transgressions as they happen, what can you do?

Can one install a sensor in the kitchen sink that can detect something like this? Maybe? How?

And, when you detect, how do you scream? One way is to ask your tenant if your devices can connect to his wi-fi.. please?

Maybe not.. then... how? Can you buy a module from Cox or Boost or T-Mobile that will do 10 bps (yes, 10 bits per second, or less, heck even 1 bps is good enough here, you just need low power-consumption, 1 year battery life - so you can change the battery when you change tenants, but you need access when you want it)